Its been too long

A lot has changed since I stopped posting on here in February. Graduate school wasn't what I thought or hoped it would be. I found myself fighting to find a reason why I was there, and never found one. I could no longer justify two more years of student loans for a dream I wasn't sure of anymore. I did not struggle with grades or get in fights with students or professors. I just simply wasn't happy. For me, it was a very hard decision to leave grad school. I'd never given up on something I started. But the moment the words came out of my mouth, a great weight was lifted off my chest.

If I said that becoming pregnant had nothing to do with me leaving school, it would be a lie. It did bear weight on my decision. As I thought about starting a family, I thought about the family that we had left behind in Indiana, and rarely saw. I then realized how horribly homesick I had been since the day I arrived in Pennsylvania.

For now, Billy and I are living at my parent's house in Noblesville, IN, while we both look for jobs. I haven't given up on creating art, but it is on hold. Hopefully I'll get my screen printing supplies together and work on some fun stuff in the garage here soon. I don't have the facilities to make ceramic work for now, but when the time comes, I'll be ready. In the meantime, I'll try to get some newer pictures up.

Creepy Kids Show

8 Forgotten Kids Shows Sure to give you Nightmares
Here's the link to the site with more shows.....
http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/16069?cnn=yes

I found this clip of a creepy kids show that ended up being banned from TV. I believe the title was, The Adventures of Mark Twain. Here, the kids meet Satan, and strange things develop....

Childhood Nightmare

I'm having one of those days. I feel like a lot of people my age, or at least from my generation have this overwhelming dichotomy of childhood vs adulthood. I have a hard time letting go of childhood. No, nothing horrible happened in my childhood, I did not experience a traumatic rearing. That's not in the least what I have a hard time letting go of. Dependence is one of the biggest problems I face as an adult. I feel like I spent my whole life trying to become independent yet I keep being pulled back into the pit of dependence (or perhaps I'm leaping blindly in....). Whether its emotionally, psychologically, financially, I seem to keep being pulled back into a pit. It seems like every time I go back home to my parents house, I get overly emotional and often end up crying. Its like the moment I walk into the house, I feel tremendous guilt. I've put my parents through a lot of shit. As a teenager, I was a nightmare at home. I was always moody, always argumentative, and very emotionally and hormonally out of balance. On the other hand, I was an honor roll student who worked a 30 hr a week job and paid for everything herself. Then I became "independent" and experienced college life. Though I held jobs through school and maintained good grades, I almost aimlessly took 6 years to complete my undergraduate degree. Along the way, they often paid my rent, or a portion of it, they paid for school supplies, they bought me clothes, they paid my car insurance. On another note, they helped pay my court costs the few times I got tickets in high school and the time I got arrested in undergrad. They have spent so much money on me, and helped me along the way so much that I feel now, I'm 24 and have nothing to show for it. I feel like all hardships in life create lessons learned, but maybe I wasn't paying attention, or that I missed something along the way, because I am still not financially independent. Its the worst feeling in the world, because it seems like a goal that is attainable, and I get so close to it so many times. And then, reality kicks in, knocks me off my feet, and I'm left there crying like the little girl who fell off her bike.
When my financial life crumbles, I revert into a fucking child.
When life doesn't go my way, I revert into a fucking child.
When I feel left out, I revert into a fucking child.
When I feel sick, I revert into a fucking child.
When I wake up, I revert into a fucking child.
I am a fucking child.