Scary dreams and christmas

Sometime this morning I had a dream that I'm not sure if I can explain because I remember it in scenes, more than I remember the storylines. I was at my current house in PA, while somehow simultaneously being at my parents house in Noblesville, IN. Rooms kept switching from one house to the other. I was being chased or hunted by something that was invisible. I walked out into my PA front yard and I could tell that there was something coming towards the house. I could see it like you can see heat in the summer. Then it saw me and attacked me. I hit it and it went flying backwards in the air. I leaped into the air and bounded across the yard like a damn moonwalker. I had learned how to defy gravity like in kung fu movies. In the dream I was terrified that this creature would, I assume, kill me. I'm not sure why I was afraid of this creature, I just knew I had to be. The scariest part of the dream was, that in parts of the dream I was watching myself. Its very rare that I have out of body dreams, and for some reason they always scare the shit out of me. When I woke up, it was very suddenly and I had a hard time convincing myself that I was safe in the house because the lighting was exactly the same as it was in my dream. I had to spoon Billy to know it was safe to go back to sleep. When I got up a few snoozes later, I went downstairs and looked out the front window and the yard, light, neighbor's garage door being open, the leaves everywhere, seemed eerily exactly like it was in the dream. It kind of gave me that deja vu feeling.
But don't worry folks, no invisible creatures attacked me when i went outside.

On a light, yet still eerie note, check this shit out.

These two films are by a guy named Brent Green. He plays guitar and narrates these his stories (I've seen it live, its great) and has other musicians play with him. Take some time to look him up(Nervous Films) and check out his other films. They're amazing!

What kind of movie are you?

Last night I watched a movie called Ira and Abby. Yes, this is a romantic comedy, but sometimes we indulge the heart first and the mind second. I was in need of a light pick me up in cinematic form. The premise of the movie is that Ira is this neurotic guy who was raised by analysts and has been in therapy all his life. Abby is this carefree girl who has the power to get anyone to open up about their lives and see the light at the end of the tunnel. They decide to marry within hours of meeting. The movie deals with marriage and communication. When there's a lack of communication between partners, they often seek an outside source, ie: friend, therapist, mother, priest. But what he find is that he keeps trying to qualify love, rationalize love, put love in a box, etc. He does not understand why this woman, who has boundless empathy and love for all people, even complete strangers, decides that he is the ONE person she wants to marry. He can't accept that sometimes things are easier than he thought they were going to be. There is no secret formula for happiness, love, success, life in general. But often times we make things harder than they have to be.
I've been finding myself trying to make things harder. Something inside me believes that life should be this dire struggle. Everything should be stressful. Anything worth having is worth dying for, therefore I must die to get it? This is ridiculous. Sometimes being smart is a downfall. It causes a lack of enjoyment of simpler times. If my life is a movie genre, its most likely a romantic comedy, and I'm the hopeless neurotic that doesn't understand the simplicity of being happy. At least on this cold Monday morning anyways......

This music combo makes me giggle. Its probably not new, but I've never heard it before. Enjoy

scrambled brains

So today feels like a rollercoaster. Midterm and Committee Review is coming up, the inlaws are coming for an extended weekend, there's mold growing under the wet carpet in my basement, and I just taught the head of the art history department how to (not kidding) save files, burn cd's, and use powerpoint. I haven't had sex in about a month, and to no fault but my own. I feel somehow detatched from my sexuality. I can only chalk it up to be from hormones and/or stress. I'm beginning to feel like grad school isn't all its cracked up to be, but I've yet to get any real feedback from anyone either. I miss the facilities that were available to me at Herron, both technological and human. No one ever comes looking for me, no one seeks out my advice. The professors just keep asking me if I like it here, if I like my studio, and if I have any questions to let them know. I feel a bit like a zombie. This post is about as scattered as my brain. So here's a performance/installation art video I found that makes me feel happy.

Presidential Debate

two words. Obama rules.

VP Debate

So I just finished watching the Vice Presidential Debate and I've got a few thoughts to offer. First thought I had was, I can't believe this bitch is real. I mean, I keep waiting for her to be like," JUST KIDDING! You thought I was really running for vice president......." But alas, she is a real person and she's really a vice presidential canditate. She held her own alright, but really she wasn't anything better than average, in debate terms. Second, if she referred to McKane as a "Maverick" one more fucking time, I was gonna puke. She's very into catch phrases of sort. She's kind of like a tupperware sales lady. I imagine she tells you over and over that its dishwasher safe, doesn't scratch, won't melt in the microwave, turns leftovers into gourmet meals and all kinds of crazy shit. But she wouldn't tell you that the tupperware was made with lead tainted plastic in some slave labor factory in an impoverished country and that you have to pay for shipping by the gram. Also, she kept mentioning her domestic problem solver for the oil crisis. RAPING ALASKA'S LANDSCAPE TO GET MORE OIL THAT'S JUST GONNA RUN OUT ANYWAY AND WON'T ACTUALLY SOLVE ANY FUCKING PROBLEMS. And don't get me started on her pro-life, lets keep em in the dark, abstinence only sex education bullshit. This woman does not deserve that office and she does not represent anything that matters to me as an American or as a woman.

Ventilation for my brain, these things weigh me down

I miss the ceiling of my childhood bedroom. There were faces and creatures and places in that commercial popcorn ceiling. It was familiar and new every time I looked at it. I have been taking familiarity for granted. I miss sitting around while the boys play guitar and banjo and fiddle and sing like they don't have a care in the world. I miss coffee and cigarettes with a good friend on a bad day. I miss seemingly meaningless conversations that lead you into the wee hours of the morning without notice. I miss losing at pool in a dive bar. I miss feeling guilty when I drove to my parents' house stoned. I miss the praise and criticism that can only come from someone who's watched your work evolve and grow. I miss loud drumming and screaming guitar riffs that I can only appreciate fully while watching people I know generate it. I miss the familiar embrace of a good friend. And there's something about a hug from your parents that just can't be beat. I'm thankful that I have Billy here with me, exploring a new world far from familiarity. I don't know where I'd be without that one familiar face.

A snooze dream

A snooze dream is one that you have between snoozes on the alarm clock. They can seem to be full length movies, when in reality they only last 8-10 minutes(depending on your alarm clock). My snooze dream is the only one I remember from last night's sleep. I dreamt about masturbation, or at least the dream had a lot to do with masturbation. In the dream, I was living/staying at my parents house. I was trying to take a shower in my parents bathroom when my dad opened the bathroom door and had some sort of non-important conversation, which resulted with me needing to leave the bathroom for some reason. I then went to my bedroom and laid on the floor in my towel. I was laying in front of my nightstand that houses my adult toys in my current home, but never existed in my parents home. I remember distinctly, locking my bedroom door, because my parents have privacy issues, rather, they assume anything done at home is private, therefore, EXTRA privacy seems ridiculous. Why would you need to lock a door within your own home, right? So, anyways, just as I've gotten my toys out of my box, my mother starts talking behind me and asks me in some hokey way if I'm going to masturbate (ie: Are you going to relieve/enjoy yourself?, etc). She's trying to be supercool about seeing my sex toys. Meanwhile, I blow up like a 16 year old girl on the rag. I yell at her and tell her "I locked the door/ you should respect my privacy/ you're a horrible bitch/ I hate you" (you know, normal teenage fight with mom stuff). Then I slam the door and my bedroom has kind of transformed into a conglomeration of every living room I've ever lived in. At this point I'm naked, my childhood bed is in the middle of this imagined living room, my sex toys are on the bed in the middle of this very open room. Out the window I see someone coming to my door. He walks right in and, because the room has suddenly become dark, he stumbles around looking for a light. He finds the light, turns it on.
This sudden flush of lamp light exposes my nakedness and the stranger is not taken aback. He plainly looks at me and asks where everyone is at? Suddenly, people I recognize start pouring into my house, ready for a party. Now I'm pissed because I don't remember committing to host any sort of party and because ultimately, masturbation time has been ruined!
As the party ensues, I find myself wearing a tshirt and undies. I yell at a drunk girl I went to high school with because in the dream I feel empowered, angry, and deep down- better than her. I seem to know I'm dreaming at this point, because I let everything fly and say all the things I've ever wanted to say to every person who's ever pissed me off or made me feel small. I took on the role of the loud-mouthed -"I'm gonna tell you everything people don't want to tell you because it will hurt your feelings"- kind of girl
Then, I exit the room and the loud party disappears. Next I enter the official bedroom of the dream (remember my bed is also in the middle of the living room with my sex toys on it). Here, I find my husband, his brother and wife, and a couple of their friends. Billy, Mike and Sara are waiting for me to come to bed and Adam, Tim, and Scott are sprawled on couches and the floor, within the bedroom. I crawl into bed and decide its too crowded and that I think it would be a good idea for some of us to sleep in the other bed in the living room. I get up, still wearing a tshirt and undies, and start looking through bags and piles of clothes for pants, I assume. While I'm looking for them, Mike looks at me and says, in a very -lifetime-movie-esque-creepy-way, "I think you look good just the way you are."
Enter Alarm Clock, end of storyline.
superweird.